Black girl blues

This is really hard. 

I know at some point all little black girls struggle with issues of beauty.  But my little girl is only 4 years old and it breaks my heart to hear her say that she wishes she weren’t black.  For her, it’s just an issue of color at this point.  She likes the color “pink” so she wants to be pink all over like some of the other girls in the class.  But we all know that eventually, it won’t just be a color anymore.  It sinks in deeper that being Black is “bad” and it means that you are stupid, incompetent, and worthless. 

I am trying so hard to remind myself that moving to South Africa was the right thing for her.  I know on so many levels it is.  But on this, very sensitive and intense level… it feels like the biggest mistake I ever made.

The hardest part

I have never been the TGIF type.  I have always loved teaching and I guess that made it easier that I generally feel good about what I am doing so I look forward to it. 

So the question is: Why does this seem so torturesome? I really can’t put my finger on it… On the one hand, it’s exciting to be working in a new environment but I can’t help but feel that half of the students are engaged and the other half could care less.  Well, that’s normal, I guess.  But its something else. I can’t quite put my finger on it… all I know is that for the first time in a long time I am just trying to make it through the day, week, month or topic and it sucks.  Especially when I have to teach for 4.5 hours in a row… ouch. Everybody keeps saying  “The first year… it gets easier… ” but somehow, that doesn’t help.

rollercoaster

I am on such an emotional rollercoaster right now. On the one hand, I am so excited about how my life is going here.  Particularly my progress in running and my family life.  But in the classroom I feel like it’s a total disaster.  I know it’s just because I am so used to being on top of my game in this arena.  But still.  One of my students really PISSED me off yesterday and very rarely do students piss me off.  I am more pissed off about getting PISSED off, you know?  I almost wish I could just let this year be a wash and hope that next year will be better but the truth is, I will still have half of these kids next year so… it almost seems like for the next two years… nevermind.

ARRRGGGHHH!

Spring has sprung

Well, it’s been a nice trip thus far. I do feel that I am getting the hang of things and a rhythm for life here. So far, so good.  It helps that I am getting more comfortable driving.  I am still working on the social aspect of life here but I struggled with that in NYC so I guess I brought that issue with me… meanwhile I am in the mood to chat with people today and it’s a bit difficult because I am not connected with that many folks on skype and I don’t have all my phone numbers with me.  The few that  I remember didn’t pick up.  Well,  I guess I will keep trying….

get a clue

I decided to join the Core Planning Committee that the school has to review for the accreditation protocol.  I can’t believe I volunteered for something so beaurocratic, but I am actually enjoying it.  It gives me a chance to interact with other members of the school community since I do feel a bit isolated in the new science center.  We might as well be on our own campus.  The more I can do to be involved in the community the better I will feel.

running before dawn

Wow, I went for a run before sunrise yesterday morning and it was AMAZING.  I am convinced this is one of the secrets of longevity.  I could tell that I was getting the best air of the day.  There were no cars, no pollution, just crisp oxygenated air and it felt wonderful.  It helped too that it was too dark to see how far I was going… but whatever works right?  I didn’t run nearly as long as I could have, but hopefully I am still increasing my endurance.  The weather cooled down a bit today too.  It’s so hard to tell what happening with the weather, but it’s still gorgeous.

systems work… where can I find one?

Okay, it’s friday. But I am still working on getting myself organized.  Now that I have gotten through the first couple topics with each class, I finally beginning to get a rhythm for the pace of the Block Scheduling.  Now, I can actually plan a bit knowing how long it should take me to cover certain lessons.  I need to totally revampt the lab report protocol.  It’s really not working out for me and it’s way too big of a mess.   I don’t even want to know how teachers in the past dealt with collecting those lab books.  All I know is, I have to set up my own system and make it work.

swimming lessons

So I found the teacher for tsidale’s swimming lessons.  I am excited for them to learn how to swim.  It’s critical here since most people have a pool but I also think it’s just a wonderful skill to have.  We won’t be starting this weekend because one of Tsidale’s classmates is having a birthday but we will resume next weekend.

Uugh

Okay, so I am hoping that this bug, whatever it is, has past.  First haile had it.  He vomited all night long.  Then the next day it was Tsidale’s turn, and then mine.  All I had was a salad that night.  Wow, as rarely as we get sick, it’s always a little bit jarring.  I stayed home in bed yesterday.  I haven’t stayed in bed for a whole day in … wow, it must be years.  I mean when does a mom of two preschoolers get to stay in bed all day? I am back at work.  Didn’t want to miss the Parent Open House.  I still feel mildly week but definitely better now.  I hope I don’t have an aversion to salad now…

Drowning…

Okay, it’s only been a month and I am already feeling like I am in over my head.  Seriously, I wish there was someone who would just help me get a clue.  I am at that point where I am so confused, I don’t even know that I am confused.  You know, when you don’t know what you don’t know… I just realized that the test scores are supposed to be converted before they are entered into the grade books.  That would have been helpful to know.  I saw a student looking up the conversion for her test and I asked what she was doing so she told me. 

In the meantime, my design lab today with the seniors was a disaster.  I don’t even want to think about how the rest of the week will pan out with them.  Every week, I come across one thing that makes my job easier and one thing that I wish I knew the week before.  I guess that’s just how it goes huh?